Simon pops his M&A cherry

Today is a big day for Simon. He has his first big conference call with M & A for his first big deal.

He has been summoned to their private conference room. His pass card doesn’t work on this floor.

Imagining all sorts of Bond-esque scenarios, he enters the room and has a seat.

“Hi I am Purdy Nerdy”[1]

“*(^$^#^ I'm Army Boy”[2]

“I don’t meet new people on Mondays but I will make an exception. I am One in Every Colour”[3]

“Pleasure. Deal Junkie. Let's put t his hog on wheels”[4]

[1] Purdy Nerdy – Small town girl, quirky, dorkishly cute in her own way until she starts modeling (Not the type of modelling where people prance around in designer fashions. Building an 800 page financial model of a chemical powerplant type of model.) and making all sorts of weird faces in front of the computer - why is she still doing this in her 30s? What sort of warped upbringing could motivate a relatively likeable person to forfeit all social interactions and hopes of a normal life for a big paycheck and a daily slap in the face? Thank god the premature balding only happens to the male bankers.

[2] Army boy – Working in banking is already an alternate universe on its own, but he has managed to create his own alternate universe within it, having all sorts of weird rules and regiments that he carried over from his time spent in the army. Always wears white shirts and red ties, except for Friday which is blue shirt day with a blue tie. He adamantly refuses to make eye contact with anyone below VP, which is somewhat understandable given his vertical limitations. Will only make non-formatting comments the night before a presentation, which is when he pulls his signature move and decides to change the entire analysis.

[3] I’ll take one in every color – M&A associate, tries to develop as many routines as he can think of so that he can go through life with the least mental effort possible and avoid dwelling upon how pathetic he knows his life has become. No longer has any personality or identity – he bought the same Hermes tie in 10 different colors and rotates them daily, thinking he is at the cutting edge of fashion, when he really looks like 12 year old in a school uniform. Eats the same thing for lunch everyday (grill cheese sandwich to remind him of happier times on the playground before computers and mortgages). Won’t leave because he no longer understands the world outside of banking and is afraid to be in a job that does not allow him to avoid it.

[4] Deal junkie – MD that thrives on deals. When the markets become more uncertain he develops an acute form of eczema resulting in excessive scratching and stressing out. Remnants of his scratching can be found on keyboards and desktops around the office. A tyrant at the office and at home, bought and tore down the neighbor’s house to convert it into a hockey rink so he could torture his children in between weekend conference calls. Main event of the year is an annual hockey tournament between the Institution and a neighboring law firm. This event brings out the worst in him, unable to handle the competition and power in a human fashion. It is like watching the Hulk returned to the wild, ravaging everything in sight, yelling at referees and threatening analysts with their lives. This is the type of child who would get sent home for biting the other kids, and kept locked in the basement when his parents had guests over.